57 days already.

57 days have passed since you have passed away.

No words can express what I feel inside.

Just when we started to get along, you had to go.

He called you to be there next to Him and I totally respect that.

I truly believe that you are in a better place.

I truly believe that you are happier there.

I just want you to know that your absence leaves a great void at home and that you are deeply missed.

I’m holding on just fine. I am a strong woman and I will continue to be.

I love you my Mufasa. My lion. My king. My dad…

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Who Could Have Thought?

Who could have thought? Who could have thought that my dad would turn out to be suicidal? Who could have thought that one day I, myself, would sit down and talk to him? Who could have thought that after all these years of no communication, I would actually get along with my dad? Who could have thought that even though he can be very stubborn at times, we would actually get along on something? Who could have thought that on the other side of the street there would be this guy? Who could have thought that we would actually become friends? Who could have thought that we would believe in the same thing? – Hope – Who could have thought that he, as well, had a lot of problems? Who could have thought that we would become friends? Who could have thought that I would actually care about him – a guy from the neighborhood? Who could have thought that after all these years that have passed by, we would actually talk again? Who could have thought that I would be writing again?

I almost gave up writing. Yes. Even though it made me feel so much better about myself. I gave it up for a while. However, I am no quitter. So here I am again. I am writing this after this sinister period that has passed by. I almost lost my father, twice in a week. We never really cared for him because he never actually talked to us. It was like he was there but not “there”. I needed him for every second of my childhood till now. I never found him. Now, he needs me and I will be “there”. We could call a professional to help us, but we think it is best to start with showing a little care before we go to that next step. Other than financial disabilities, we think that dad could actually use a little bit of caring from our side. We never really understood why he did this. He was sad that mom wasn’t taking care of him anymore. She has her reasons. That warrior that she is, emerged for a reason. She is the strongest woman I have ever known with all that she’s been through.

I had a friend whom I used to talk to a lot back in the days. We got in a fight twice, yet we talked again. You know how some people come back into your life and you let them without even realizing it at first. That’s what happened with him, twice! It’s like every time we stop talking, we talk again a year later for example. Two people who cannot stay apart apparently. I found out some bad things that have been going on with him as well. However, the good part is that he’s changed. He’s changed into a very positive person who actually has a dream to catch. He turned out to be a very ambitious person. I admire that and encourage it fully.

No matter what you are going through, stay positive, be strong and go on. Life does. It won’t stop for you. It will actually go on and you will miss a lot of it if you just sit in that bubble of yours and mourn whatever you have lost or didn’t get. Just say “if it’s meant to be, it will find its way”. If not, then the hell with it. If you have lost a person that is very dear to you, please don’t just keep mourning for the rest of your life. I know it is very sad, I, myself, am about to tear by just remembering my dearest uncle who passed away a year ago. Nonetheless, I know that he is here for me, right next to me. He is watching over me and will forever be my guardian angel. He always hated seeing me sad when he was alive. I’m sure the feeling is still the same now that he is gone. So I will make him proud. I will stay positive no matter what happens. I will stay strong and I will work to achieve my dreams. Dream – Believe – Hope – Achieve. Always.

Now that felt good. I am never giving up on writing ever again. It’s like I had this weight on my chest and now it’s gone. I have said it all. Of course, there are some more things but these are to be left a secret between me, myself and I.

Stay positive. Stay Strong.

“Provehito in Altum”

Never EVER give up.

Life can be tough but you are stronger than that. You can make it. You will make it.

Love always.

JJ.

Jehovah is God.

I was asked to write a paragraph about my name, its meaning and origin. So here it goes…

Joëlle is the name my mother gave me. Her admiration for Billy Joel had her call her first daughter after him. The meaning my name holds is: “Jehovah is God”. “Jo” is “Jehovah” and “El” is “God”. Even though I have no interest whatsoever in French culture, I love my name. It’s a French one obviously. When one sees my name, they rather pronounce it wrong. They pronounce it as if it were “Jolie” or “Jowl”. The correct way of saying my name is “Jo-L”. Not only does it have a meaning, but it also has a personality. Indeed, “Joëlle” is friendly, funny and loves living life to the fullest. “Joëlle” is a devoted person. She would do anything for her family. However, she cannot live without one thing: the diaeresis on first “e”.

There it is, small but meaningful. I guess.

Cheers.

“When Every Demon Wants His Pound Of Flesh”…

   I’m standing alone in the dark, there’s a tiny ray of light. I can feel and see shadows dancing around me. That’s just creepy… I can feel them approaching. They’re getting closer. Their eyes begin to shine to shine in the dark, I can see them craving for me, wanting to eat every bit of flesh and drag me down to the abyss. They grab me an start biting while I scream my hear out.

   “But it’s hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him out!”
I start shaking like a lunatic. No one and no’thing’ will stop me from doing my ridiculous signature latino move, That’s my dance and I won’t let some stupid demon take it away from me.
I dance as fast and as hard as I can. No matter how crazy I looked, at least I scared them demons away.

   I hope you get my message through that brief simple scene…

Good night,
Joelle.

I’m freakin’ 33!

Reply to “New Wrinkles” by The Daily Post:

I woke up today to find myself ten years older than I was yesterday night! What the…
I’m thirty-three years old now. This makes me think of the movie “13 Going on 30”, only a few hours ago I was 23. I come out of my room and everything is just not the same anymore… Of course, I’m in shock, but let’s skip the boring details shall we.
There are two identical kids running around this unfamiliar house and a handsome man playing with them. Could they be…? Well, yes they are! One of the kids runs towards me saying: “mommy’s awake!” That’s kind of cute. I never thought I’d ever like having kids or a husband for that matter. I’m more of a workaholic kind of person. In fact, after seeing my working office at home, I guess I still am.
Anyway, as a “mommy”, I drive the kids to school (both first graders) and make sure that my “husband” or I pick them up in the afternoon.
So, according to my agenda and all the papers on that desk, I’m a freelance writer and the Co-Founder of a magasine. I check my laptop for any CV’s and when I find it, I open it up. Amazing… Apparently throughout those past ten “years” -ten hours for what I’ve felt- I’ve accomplished quite a lot.
On the other side, I still have the same best friends. How amazing is that? They all are now either a Chief Editor in a huge company, the Chef of their own restaurant, a famous architect, a Criminologist, a movie director or they own a company. Seems all of their dreams came true. We still gather two or three times a week.
My parents are still alive. Thank God! My sister became a graphic designer. My brother is a CEO in a company. His son is twelve now and oh so handsome!
I’ve had a lot of plans to accomplish, but that burden has now gone off my shoulders. However, wouldn’t it have been nice to go through all those experiences instead of waking up the next day and finding that they’re all done?
How much do we wish for that? How many times have you actually wished to wake up and have everything ready before you? Where’s the fun in that though? Where’s the adventure in that? The experience? The lesson?
Sometimes the destination doesn’t matter as much as the path. Think about it, once you get where you want to get, what would you do next? You might have other plans, new ones, but what would get you to achieving them? If there’s no path, there’s no destination.
I’m not sure if I really like this “waking up and finding yourself ten years older” thing. Well, it might be fun for a day just to see what it’d be like, but not permanently.
Ten years! A lot can happen in one second, how about ten years?

What Do You Do In Your Times Of Sadness?

You know those moments when you feel really down and sadness overwhelms you? What do you do in those times to actually overcome it?

Do you cry your heart out? Do you get aggressive on everyone or yourself? Do you scream your heart out? Do you go running? Do you call that one person that makes you feel better? Do you go and sit alone by the sea or do you prefer a nice stroll in nature? Do you pray? Do you listen to music? Do you draw? Do you write? Do you paint?
So many options… What do you do? What is it that caused that sadness? How do you reflect it? How do you turn that abstract thought and make it concrete?

What I do is write… I write my heart out and put it all on paper. I do that most when I’m sad and when I’m angry. This second self of me comes out and unleashes all her anger and sadness on a piece of paper.

Tell me… What is it that you do?

“Signs Are To Eyes What Words Are To Ears”

Tonight I learned Sign language. Since my sister and her friend are half-deaf, they communicate through signs. That is the cutest and most fun language I’ve ever learned so far. According to them, there’s a universal language for signs. Each sign means a certain word in all languages. However, what differs is the letters signs.

Some words and sentences I learned were: “I’m free”, “you’re snobbish”, “I want to learn”, “you’re lying” and their negative forms, as well as “to block”, “cow”, “raindeer” etc.
Did you know that “learn” has two sign moves: one means “learning with a teacher” and the other means “learning by yourself”.

Plus, these are the cutest people ever. They teach you their language through such funny mimics to accompany the signs, you’d think you’re watching a comedy show. They’re actually right next to me now talking and I can understand almost every move they’re making.

On a complete other note, we were completely worried about my sister not fitting in and having problems memorising the signs. That was seven years ago and God were we wrong at the time.
Something always compensates for the lack of something else. Her absolutely marvelous memory, intelligence and talent compensated for her lack of speech, eventhough she’s getting much better in pronunciation.

Never underestimate the power of someone just because they’re not “perfect” to you. Whatever “perfect” means to you anyway.
Learning signs tonight, for the first time in seven years, has made me realise how beautiful this language is. It beats each and every single spoken language.
Just like some words soothe your soul, to others it’s the signs that do so…

As Ken Glickman, a deaf proverbs book writer, says: “Signs are to eyes what words are to ears”!!!

Good night.
Joëlle